Cancer – Emotional – Plexus: I AM VIBRATION OF CONECTIONS

AM: Are you comfortable in the branch you have formed in this tree of family life?

Me: it has been hard for me to accept being part of this tree. As you well know, at the beginning I felt like a toad from another well. I did not understand what I had come to do on this path. I felt rejected and without a clear picture of what to do. At the same time, I didn’t see the nuclear family as anything more than containment to external aggression. And then, as I grew up and differentiated myself from that nucleus, in the adolescent period in which everything is separation, the more I understood that the family mandate was not the one I wanted to follow.

AM: And that whole idea of the family clan was disintegrating in your essence.

Me: I didn’t feel it was important. I preferred the freedom of being alone. To build another kind of nucleus. Without that suffocating union. Something more relaxed. And enjoy what the rest of the world had to offer. This planet was more than Buenos Aires, and I felt I had to live it and enjoy it.

AM: but as you followed your path, you began to understand what path your ancestors had to take. And you began to see everything in a different way.

Me: I began to see everyone from their own perspective. And I began to understand why many things happened to me, and how I got here.

AM: And what did you find?

Me: I discovered stories that turned out to be amazing. From those who decided to leave their homeland to come to a country on the other side of the world, with nothing more than the will to start a new life and leaving all their loved ones whom they never saw again, all for a better life, it has been admirable.

AM: people eager to find a new path, far from their own family nucleus.

Me: but, when they arrived here, in Argentina, they did nothing but shield themselves in their own nucleus that they formed. They came together again, as united as they were in Spain and Italy. And they surrounded their place to feel safe. It happened with each of my great-grandparents, with certain differences in their personal histories.

AM: count

Me: my great-grandmother Mariana, for example, coming from a very poor family, and who came from Brazilian Indian descent, married a man much older than her, when she was only 14 years old. He was twice her age, and in the town where she lived, he owned a general store. He was an important person in the town. She had achieved a precious life and had ascended socially as she had never imagined. They had several children, but suddenly, my great-grandfather passed away, and the family disintegrated. Mariana, still young and without the strength to support the family, leaves all the daughters in the care of acquaintances, and disappears from the town where she lived, to go alone with her newborn son, to the province of Corrientes, and stops seeing her daughters, to form a new family. She had four more children with her second husband, and continued on her way with her children, with no news of those she had left until many years later.

AM: You always wondered what went through Mariana’s mind to make such a decision.

Me: and I also wondered how my grandmother Marcela, her daughter, had the courage to look for her, having already formed her family, and forgive her for having left her and her sisters at the mercy of strangers. My grandmother lived alone with her sisters since she was about fourteen years old, the same age as her mother marrying her father. And the story was not easy for her either. Already settled in the city of Concordia, she met my grandfather, Ernesto, at a very young age, and they had an adventure that would continue over the years.

AM: and history repeated itself. Your grandfather, from a well-to-do family. Marcela, on the other hand, living alone, young, without a family other than her sisters, as adolescent as she was. And without a well-constituted family.

Me: my grandfather’s father also had a well-to-do position; he had even been part of the radical party in the city. He had been a councilman. He liked politics, and some of the money he had he had lost to it. But the social status was there. That was how my grandmother Marcela fell in love with the man who would become my grandfather, both for his gallantry and his image, I understand. They had their first child without getting married, and they didn’t even live together while he was growing up, until she got pregnant by my mother, and then they decided to live together. They would get married later, so that the family would be officially and in papers, which up to that moment it was not. That meant being judged socially, and it also brought a lot of personal problems to the family members. My grandparents had three children, my mother turned out to be the second daughter, and they were together for more than sixty years, until my grandfather passed away in 1999 and six years later my grandmother Marcela passed away. In spite of everything, they formed a very strong family nucleus, and sought in their own way to make family the most important thing in their lives.

AM: on the paternal side you also have another story.

Me: the already told, with my Italian great-grandmother having my grandfather once she arrived in Buenos Aires, from Italy, and marrying my great-grandfather, who a year after my grandfather’s birth, they end up separating. She did not forgive him, surely an infidelity, or the story of two teenagers who had married by family mandate and did not love each other. The issue was that she never allowed her son, my grandfather, to see his father. My grandfather ends up seeing him a couple of times in his life, once, introducing him to my dad when he was about five or six years old, but not much more. He takes care of his mother until she passes away when she was 86 and living in the house, he built to live in with my grandmother Virginia. In her case, she was already living in Ciudadela, with her father and siblings, and where her mother, a Spaniard like her husband, died relatively young. My great-grandfather Manolo, worked in the port of Buenos Aires for years, and was the one who settled all his children, five in total, around him. He built his house and helped my grandfather to build the house where they lived with my grandmother, once they were married, and where they had their three children, among them my father. My grandparents and their children lived in that same house all their lives.

AM: they formed another strong family nucleus.

Me: my grandparents and their three children have not moved from the house they built. When the children grew up, they continued the construction so that they all stayed in the same place. The land was big and had the space to build more houses. That is how my father built in the back of my grandparents’ house, and my aunt Alicia, the youngest, upstairs. Elsa, the eldest, did not marry and lived with my grandparents until they passed away, and she lived in their house until she also passed away in 2015. Alicia, meanwhile, raised her family in the house upstairs. She had three children, and lived there until she passed away, suddenly, and still very young, 57 years old, in 2005.

AM: a very special being to you. With a special connection

Me: no doubt. And a heavy blow at such a young age. Your story has also been special.

AM: and your parents, who still live in the house in the back.

Me: they are still there today. There have been ups and downs with the house. But they are still there today. They have not been able to get rid of the place. It’s something that I always felt was harmful. I could never understand why they stayed there. So much holding on to a place I never felt it was good.

AM: you know it’s something that each of them has to work on.

Me: yes, I know. But I don’t see it as a bad thing that they think so or that it is so. It’s part of their history, and the need to honor what their parents have done. Especially on my father’s side. It’s stronger than anything I can do or think. It’s very noble, on the one hand. It’s very selfish, on the other. But it’s his story. And it has allowed me to be able to perceive it from his side. And I understand it.

AM: glimpsing the branches of this wonderful tree that you are telling me about, how you feel and where do you place yourself today.

Me: I place myself in that branch that opens its way to find the light that is needed for this tree to continue growing. I feel myself receiving all the sap that my ancestors have left so that it can continue to grow. The family nucleus has been something important in every ancestor, and it is important to me. Honoring my ancestors is also important, no matter what they have decided to do, because thanks to each of these decisions, today I can be me and be here and now living my path. And allowing my descendants, my children, to have their own life story.

AM: and that you leave here, so that they have the possibility to read your words, when they require it. And it will surely serve them to understand the tree of life of which they are a part. And they will be grateful for it

Me: so, I feel it will be.

AM: without a doubt

I invite everyone to watch Matias’ video with the theme of the day.

Finally, I encourage everyone to engage in conversation with their own I Am, to listen to what we each have to say to each other. No one else but us can re-signify our own being

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